Communication: What's love got to do with it ......?

Communication

This is one of the basic skills we learn in infancy but we can lose it very quickly as we approach adulthood! Anyone with a teenager will know exactly what I am saying here. I do not believe for one moment that I am the only person to possess a 'Kevin or Perry' (Harry Enfield).

Some, who are trying to get their point across, think that communication means saying things louder and they will be heard! It is rather like the approach individuals adopt when talking to foreigners, shouting their words, as though the person was deaf! This is not actually being clear or helpful.

It is useful to think about your relationships as a 'bank account'

You get out what you have put in! When things go well and the account is healthy and in the black, through making the 'deposits', the relationship feels healthy.

But like with any bank account, you have to make an effort to put something in to stay in the black. Any small gesture or words that are used within your relationships soon mount up, but if this is not maintained and the account is empty, you realise that things are going wrong!

Sometimes a lot of problems develop through misunderstandings. These can develop because individuals are not being effective at expressing themselves, or that they do not listen to what the other person is saying.

Another difficulty is that we can sometimes make assumptions about what the other person wants or doesn't want or feels, without actually checking whether this is the case.

Common difficulties that get in the way of communication:

See how many you may recognise below!

Not saying what you really mean

The most common one is when your partner asks you whether something is bothering you and your response is 'nothing!'. The problem is that the issue or whatever was bothering you continues to build up, as will the feelings and then there is an explosion. Some partners then may think, what on earth was that about!

Making something else the issue

This is related to the above issue where we don't say what is bothering us. The difference with this one is that we focus our attention on something else. It is also referred to as 'kick the cat' syndrome. One example of this is where I may have had a really difficult day at work, the manager getting at me and then I go home and take my anger out on the nearest object or person. My anger is not necessarily directed towards this other person or object but has become the easiest source to displace it onto. Sometimes if the real problem is too big or painful we tend to focus on the smaller issues that we may be able to deal with. The problem with this though is that the smaller issues may get resolved but the bigger ones remain and fester.

Not talking

This is another way of avoiding an issue that is causing you difficulties or upset, by retreating into silence, by going to bed to avoid having to talk. It is quite common for couples and families to bury different emotions within their own families. Talking about problems may be something that does not happen. For some families, it is sometimes easier to suppress or deny that a problem exists or that anything may be wrong - until it is too late. Another common difficulty is that we sometimes expect our partners to be astrologers or mind readers and KNOW exactly what the difficulty is!

Nagging

Nagging means to go and on about something, over and over and over again! But I think you all know what I mean by this! This is a common habit developed by both men and women, although some would have you believe that it is only women that nag - and you would be wrong. When people ' nag' they believe that they are being positive and trying to motivate people to do something but unfortunately it is telling people what YOU think they should be doing. Repetition won't get you anywhere but your partner may develop selective deafness!

Changing the subject

This is a trick adopted when we find the topic of conversation too difficult or perhaps even boring! It can be very frustrating and demoralising for the other person who may be trying to get their point across and you clearly do not want to know.

Being the know all

'I have a blacker cat than you!' Communication becomes very difficult when one person takes the attitude that they know best. They know exactly everything that you could possibly ever want to know, or they have had a bigger and better or worse thing ever, happen to them Yawn!

Disguised criticism

There are ways of saying how you feel without blaming the other person for it. If you make a statement in a blaming fashion it can be perceived as criticism. Such statements as 'You make me so angry/sad/depressed! Is making the other person responsible for what you feel. Criticising is never the best way to get the result you want as it just puts the other person on the defensive and may even create extra problems, see all of the above!

The way you say it

Manner and tone are essential. It's not what you say but how you say it. If you talk in a lecturing or patronising manner, this will only result in irritating and putting the back up of those you are trying to communicate to.

An example of this could be, 'Oh you do look nice in that dress, you are so brave wearing something like that with fat legs!' Initially this sounded like a complement but is followed swiftly with an underlying insult.

Listening and hearing

A good listener is someone who lets another person talk and doesn't interrupt them with opinions or statements like, 'You don't want to do that, you want to do this…' A good listener only occasionally gives advice, are easy to talk to because you don't feel as though you are being judged, laughed at, despised or disliked. A good listener makes you feel as if you have something interesting to listen to and are worth the respect to be heard.

Listening top tips:

Listening is so important if you are to truly understand what another individual is telling you.
Listening attentively and uncritically is essential in all relationships.
Giving your whole attention to someone is hard work and quite exhausting.
In order to listen and hear, you need to put aside your own thoughts and feelings, as these may not be helpful to the person you are listening to.
Don't make assumptions or offer advice when it is not being requested.
Sometimes it is hard to put yourself in another person's shoes, to truly understand them as this requires us to suspending all of our preconceptions and to just be there, for them. If at first you do not understand what is being said, ask for clarification. Ask them to repeat it.

The result of effective communication, talking honestly and listening attentively will increase the understanding of the individuals involved. It also brings with it the recognition that we are valued and respected.

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Occupational Health, Safety and Welfare